I feel like I messed up somewhere. Or maybe I’m just being paranoid and anxious again. I spoke to a better friend about what was going on, cried a lot, got some advice. I want to tell him what I’ve been feeling but something in me is telling me this is not the right time. Maybe when I move on, when I get over him. Something to laugh about. I think I can get over this, I always do. I just need to set a better boundary with myself.

I did tell him I needed a break from things and he was so understanding that he made me cry all over again. He either has no idea or knows exactly whats going on. I don’t care at this point, what’s done is done. I just hope he doesn’t push me away. I feel like I finally found some people I can talk to but I don’t want to just completely fall into it all. I’ve done that before and gotten hurt. Just need to maintain a good distance.

I feel lonely still. But I think thats an ache that will never go away. Unless I find my “soulmate” but I doubt I ever will. I’m not pessimistic, I’m realistic. I don’t know, I thought I would by now. I just want to be at peace. Maybe thats why I got too sucked into that fantasy I created with him, I was just so lonely that I got carried away. I need to find a different way to handle it all.

That one horoscope app that I should stop using because it makes no sense, actually made some sense today. “Jealousy is not proof of love.” It told me to ask myself what I’m really afraid of losing. I already know. I’m afraid of losing connection. I’m afraid of ending up in a cold and empty house, no one responding to my messages, no one to come home to except my pets. I’m jealous of the connection that others have found or are able to be content without. I’m greedy and selfish and it’s time I started accepting that.

But I can’t be selfish over him.

Spruced up my empty discord account, joined some vent servers. It feels like 2016 Tumblr all over again where I was in this horrible headspace and just venting wherever I could. Look at the full circle I’ve come. At least this time around I’m more responsible for my actions and go into spaces dedicated for that instead of unloading onto my poor friends.

Friends. Funny word when I’m always the new friend. The friend who just came in one day and “omg we’re besties now”. No we aren’t. If we were, you wouldn’t treat me this way. I wouldn’t be sitting in my bedroom at 10pm, trying to not cry so loudly that my family hears, waiting for someone to join the voice call for some advice or comfort. I am sick of it but I am mostly just tired. Tired of being this way, tired of pining over people who would have never looked my way, tired of being the odd friend out who came in too late to form that bond. What the hell is so wrong with me that I can’t just form these friendships as easily as others? Why couldn’t I stay the perfect daughter, why couldn’t my mind work like its supposed to, why did I have to be this way. I have tried so much, I have done so much to change myself to be easier to handle for them, I hate every bit of myself.

I was never going to be enough for him. I was stupid to think I would be. The minute he said he was straight, I should have just thrown him out of my mind. But he kept coming to me, confiding in me, asking me for advice. I couldn’t turn him away because I’m weak. And I was selfish for his attention. I’m selfish for still wanting him when he’s happy and getting everything he wants. I’m selfish for still wanting a chance despite all odds against me. I hate being human, I hate having these emotions, I thought I was done with this. It’s never gonna be his problem, I can’t and I won’t burden him with this.

I’m just so tired, my head hurts from crying.

I need to do something about this paranoia. Logically I know that not everyone starts speaking about me behind my back or making rumors or anything like that. I’m so sick of being terrified of my own mind, sick of trying to placate it. If someone goes radio silent for a couple days, it terrifies me. I never know if I did something wrong or if I’m just being paranoid. Makes me terrified to even leave my house sometimes. No one is out to get me but it feels like there are. I don’t want to speak in fear someone won’t like it and decide to ruin my life and mental wellbeing again. I should’ve stayed out of it, I should’ve not joined those communities and let myself be pulled in. There’s always gonna be an issue with someone and I end up the scapegoat. Makes me want to delete my socials and just disconnect. I can’t take it. But if I do, someone will notice. This is why I make new accounts, I don’t want to be found.

I hope no one notices for a bit. But I want someone to notice. I can’t make up my own mind and it’s infuriating. I want to leave but I crave connection. It drives me nuts. Turn the phone off for a while, switch accounts that no one is on, just breathe. Disconnect for a while and maybe everything will be alright. The one person I want I can’t have and it’s so selfish of me. Selfish, greedy bastard who can’t make up their own mind. Can’t tell if they said something wrong and messed everything up for everyone. Can’t even reach out for help without being annoying. What do normal people feel like? Do they have to deal with feelings like this? Are they able to understand their own minds? Must be nice to have control over that, to have the sense to do that. I’m angry, I’m jealous, I’m terrified, I can’t think. That’s why I write but I’m afraid of the day it won’t be enough anymore. I can’t get sucked into games anymore, I still find a way to think about everything going wrong. I’m just so lonely, I’m so tired, I don’t want to be a burden.

What the hell am I supposed to do with an empty Discord account?

It’s not about him this time. Or maybe it will be, who knows where this train of thought will end up. It might just be all the stress I’ve been under or the emotions that fluctuate all the time or the fact I’m untreated. Somehow I always come back to this, to feeling unwanted. Not important. Not the priority

Nobody in my life is under any obligation to treat me as number one priority. But sometimes it would be nice if someone was looking forward to speaking with me or spend time with me. I see videos of people playing games with their partners or their duos and I just feel so jealous sometimes. I still don’t know if I ever would want a relationship with anyone but it would be nice to have a duo to just say “Hey wanna hop on?” and say yeah. I can send a message to a groupchat asking if anyone wants to just talk for a bit and I see people online and I know where they are. No response. I don’t need one, they know I can see they’re already hanging with their own duo or with their main group.

I suppose I’m lonely. I’m no longer a confidant for him, the issue has passed so he has no real reason to speak to me privately unless a new issue comes up. I did this to myself though, I let myself be open to him and be a resource, someone to just vent to. I haven’t learned my lesson, I’ve done this before and I just can’t help myself. I deluded myself into thinking this would be a gateway into becoming friends with him but I am so wrong. Strictly professional relationship. All my other friends, we only became close because of the drama. They were scared of me before speaking to me. I wish I wasn’t like that anymore.

I feel like changing my status so I’m left alone tomorrow but I want someone to ask. The person I want to ask won’t do it though so I’ll probably end up talking to someone else about it. My biggest flaw, wanting to talk to people but not wanting to reach out. I feel selfish for someone wanting to see something is wrong and reach out and ask me if everything is alright. I am selfish because I want to be someone’s priority and that’s why I drown myself in fandom media so I can get a taste of that like some addict.

I wish I had something to take this feeling away. It’s not anxiety, I’m just so fucking tired of being alone. Maybe that’s why I latched onto him, he portrayed the image of not being alone. But I know he’s not there for me, it’s for anyone .

My heart hurts and I don’t know how to fix it.

Things are getting better, I’m still wrapping my head around things. I still don’t know if any feelings I have for him are genuine or I’m just attaching myself onto the persona he’s created. I’ve been speaking about it with a friend but in a “haha he’s so hot am I right?” way and not in a “he makes me so happy and I wish I could have him but it’s not possible” way.

I’m sure he’s aware I find him attractive, I’ve limited myself in platonic flirting with him (as I tend to do with friends). Especially since he has a partner, even though he says he doesn’t mind and I’m sure he’s spoken with her at length about it, I just don’t feel right about it anymore. I’ll keep my thoughts to myself, maybe he’ll be the first to bring it up with us or maybe we’ll just leave it alone.

He does make me happy, he sparks whimsy and joy in me. But I’d much rather see him be happy. I’d do anything for his smile, for his laugh, for his joy. Seeing him so upset, hearing how upset he got, almost destroyed me. I was so mad, I almost made things worse. I’m glad he’s doing better but I feel selfish now that he isn’t coming to me anymore as someone to talk to or words of comfort. This greed sickens me. I took those moments for granted and I may not get them back but I’m glad I gave him some comfort during that time.

I don’t know what to do with myself now.

Feels like every journal entry I make will be about him but until a different conflict enters my life, this is how it will be. Apparently asking to be born with normal brain patterns is too much to ask for.

I love hanging out with him, spending time with him. He’s very kind, just a little rough around the edges. He has his flaws but so do I and so does everyone I’ve ever met. To expect perfection is a lost cause these days. But when he spends so much time with us, I feel guilty now knowing that he’s in a relationship. I feel the need to tell him to go spend time with her. Unless they have an agreement or understanding but I won’t be privy to that information.

He gives little tidbits of his life and I eat up every crumb. I have a yearning to know everything about people, not just him. I keep a log of my friends, things they’ve shared. A digital scrapbook of them.

Sometimes I look back on the bits I gathered about old friends and I wonder “what if?” If we didn’t stop speaking, if things didn’t fall apart, if things didn’t change. But I can’t change the past, I can only learn from it. Learn when things are changing and when people leave me again. I don’t want to be left alone again. I want know why I’m always the odd one out, not the priority. Never the priority for anyone. But I’ll keep smiling, I’ll keep saying that everything is fine and give my fake answers. No one can tell the difference.

Even now, I’m sitting alone, just existing

Feels like I’m not allowed to rest. History repeats itself and I’ve ended up not knowing what to do with myself. I never had a chance, I feel like I’m in an endless loop of the same situation just different people. I feel like just disappearing but this time seems different. There are people who do care. But I can tell that they’re getting sick of me which is why I’m here.

I should feel disappointed that he is in a relationship but I knew I didn’t have a chance anyway. He’s straight, I’m not even a woman. I was just being young and foolish. But I am happy for him. I’m just hoping I didn’t cross any lines. He wasn’t obligated to tell anyone, I don’t blame him. But I need to be respectful. And who knows if I even had feelings for him, I sure didn’t know. Somehow I’m just processing it but not feeling anything.

Then there’s the issue of the “friend” but I don’t even want to bother. They made their stance clear and I can see the kind of person they are now. I just wanted to exist in peace but some people don’t like that apparently and need to create issues with everyone.

I’m sick and tired of this, I want to disappear just for a while. I entertained the thought of hiding out at some hotel for like a week and just eat and binge movies or shows. Turn off social media for that time. But I know I would miss my friends too much and cave in.

What to do, what to do? Go to work of course.